Saturday, 20 November 2010

Government Advice

Don’t drive for more than two hours without a break (stop off at a dirty, overprice service station to queue for parking and the toilet) – if you don’t have time, then leave earlier for your journey. If you do stop off, make sure that you eat fruit not chocolate as you need to eat five fruits a day. But you can’t eat it in the car (or drink water for that matter) as it is distracting and dangerous. Actually, you can’t listen to the radio either as that is also distracting (which means that you can’t listen out for traffic reports to avoid accidents which means you’ll queue for longer). But that’s ok as if you left for your journey earlier then you would be okay. Just get up out of bed earlier – never mind the fact that you need eight hours sleep. When you get to your destination, continue to drink water and eat fruit in order to hit your quota (and stopping off for the toilet again. Never mind the fact that you can’t find a toilet as the walk counts as part of your daily exercise.

When you get to your destination, do not visit the pub as you must not drink and drive, nor must you drink and not drive as any measure of alcohol will lead to heart disease and death. Do not smoke either. Best to continue gorging on water and fruit. If you must take anything else – pop a few aspirin. Or red wine for your heart. Hang on, though that’s alcohol, so you can’t have that. Have you filled out your tax returns? No? Okay, back in the car and back home with you. Actually, no you’ve already had one car journey so you better ditch the car and find a bicycle. What? Forty miles on the motorway? Tough – we have to save the planet, come on, I’m not interested in the fact that you have had a knee replacement and cant pedal up the hard shoulder of a hill… oh and better regurgitate that aspirin as our counter research shows that it might not be helpful after all…

You’d better get your skates on as you need to be home early enough to have another walk, drink some water and get your head down early enough to get your eight hours sleep… however; if you have a baby to consider as well… best get yourself a time machine.

I’ve checked and the government don’t do those.

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